Wednesday, 17 June 2015

The worst Wednesday...

I realise I haven't posted for months now.
 I always kept myself so busy the past few months,that I did not have the time to think about my emotions. I have had the happiest week,the saddest week and God knows what in the past few months.
But today is the worst Wednesday I ever lived.

I come from a very simple Indian family. My parents had an arranged marriage but everyone who meets them for the first time refuses to believe so. They have had their ups and downs,downs more than ups,but they have stuck together.
And I believe none of it could have been possible without my mom. I don't give her enough credit for all that she has done,but without her,none of us would be where we are today.

I often wonder if my parents share the deepest of their thoughts with each other,like I share mine with my partner. I wonder if they had their own dreams,which were different from the society's.
Indian society is the absolute worst for a couple,I believe. Their life is never just theirs. Their decision aren't just theirs. Especially if you happen to be the eldest son/daughter of the family. And if you do walk away from your responsibilities post marriage,all the blame for the "change" is born by the bride. That is,Indian society for you.

My mom comes from a huge family. She is the second daughter and has one younger sister,two younger brothers and one elder sister. My dad is the eldest of three brothers and one sisters. The two married when mom was really young,and even then she took upon the responsibility of the entire household,like it had been her family all along.

If not for her support,we would have still been in some village,uneducated and unaware.

I always knew this and I love my mother a lot,but just never acknowledged it.

They do have arguments. Although I don't remember the ones when I was younger,I knew they argued. Every couple does.
I would always be angry at mom for saying all kind of hurtful things to dad.

But dad made up for all of it,with just 5 words. And it hurt me,too. I want to be angry at dad for saying that,but I am not, I am hurt.
And I understand what exactly mom is feeling right now. Betrayal,that is how you feel when you give someone all your life,all of you and that person just forgets it all and tells you that you had your selfish motives.
I don't know how she will fill that void in her heart,I don't know.
I wanted to hug her tight and cry with her. For the first time,since 20 years. I wanted to tell her how much I love her and that I want to give her the life she deserves and always wanted.
I can't look at her in the eye anymore. Hell,I don't even have the guts to face her. Every time I do,I am this close to crying. I don't know how I should react. Or if I should even react to something that has been said between a couple.

I wonder how kids from broken families survive that. Of having to lie in your room and wait for the two of them to shut up because it fucking hurts of how they fight. Of how the one couple,you ideally would look up to,argue over the tiniest of things. And I believe those kids are the strongest and most independent.

I finally know what I want my career to be. And for once,I won't change my mind even if anyone tells me to. I only wish it had been some other way to know it.

Friday, 27 March 2015

hello there!

hey people!
How have you been? I have been EXTREMELY busy with journal submissions in college. Sigh,it's a tough world out there. Meanwhile I have started working out so that I can look fit before my birthday ( which is still a couple of months away!)
I can feel the changes and I almost miss the sore muscles. It seriously feels good to have sore muscles. I know I am being really weird by saying this,but I am just being honest here ;)
What are your summer plans?
I have my exams :'(  

Saturday, 14 March 2015

Together we can!

Being an introvert,I don’t open up to people easily. I have a very small circle of friends who have been with me since almost 10 years. As we grew up,we all ended up going to different colleges in different cities. The only time we could meet was during the Diwali vacations. The probability of meeting during Diwali too is very low considering the varied exam schedule.
The four of us hadn’t met since almost a year and a half. That year,in particular,had been difficult for us.  It was the first time we had been away from each other for so long. Over the years,our  relationship turned from that of friends to that of sisters. Though always connected through social media,the essence of talking face to face can never be replaced.
Since we four had always been in the same school ,we were not too close with anyone else. In the first year of my college,I would often sit alone during the lunch break. Teenage years is a time when you want to be accepted by your peers and if you sit alone or don’t socialise much,it only leads you away from the rest of your peers.
The horrible results just added to the woes. That day after going home,I kept to myself and avoided talking to my family members and even chatting with my friends. Although I was hungry,I did not want to eat anything. I just wanted one of my friends to be here,with me that day. And the fact that none of them were there the day I needed them the most hurt.
Everyone tried their best to cheer me up and failed miserably. I was being a drama queen that day.  I locked my door from inside and played my favourite music at the loudest volume possible. What happened next is something that I might never forget. My best friend,Kriti,was banging on the door and I did not even have to open the door to know it was her. Only she could knock the door so loud that could be heard over the loud music that played.
Oh boy!! I was crying tears of joy! What would I have not done to have her here and here she was. I was so excited that I forgot to open the door. Yeah. I just zone out sometimes. I had no words to tell her how glad,I was to have her back home. She always filled up my wants of an elder sister and that day,she again proved it. 
We ate dinner,sorry,we hogged ourselves with all the yummy food that mom had made. Apparently,she knew all along that Kriti was going to come home. They all wanted to surprise me.  Lucky I am to have such loving people in my life. People who care about me and have always been there for me even in the darkest of hours. 
And with her help,I was back to my former self,jumping around as a jolly ( and a little crazy person :P) Her belief and love strengthened me and made me go on and accept the way things were.

 This post has been inspired by that strongly believes that Together we can move mountains.

The power of being optimistic!

Although my mom has always been a staunch believer of positive thinking,I never really believed in the powers of positive thinking. Unlike mom,I would always think about the worst outcome of everything be it exams or just a normal day. It resulted in me stressing out on the most minor things.
It is no breaking news that stress can lead to a lot of diseases and consequently,I was soon diagnosed with migraine because of my perspective towards life. My mother had to convince me a lot to at least try thinking positive things for a few days. And she promised me that if I did not feel the effects,I was free to go back to my ways.
I knew I had nothing to lose. Ironic as it may sound,but the worst possible outcome would be that I wouldn't feel any changes. I started reading up on positive thinking before jumping into it. "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne helped me to get a headstart about thinking positive and being optimistic. I made sure to see their documentary too and I knew that I had to start thinking positively.
It was difficult at first considering that I had always been a pessimistic and it isn't easy to let go of a habit that has been a part of you for almost 16 years. I started out slowly and I always had to tell myself to be optimistic. Gradually,positive thinking came on its own. I was turning into an optimistic from a pessimist! And that isn't easy ,my friend.
I could feel the changes that being an optimistic brought about. Not only did it give me great results in life but it improved my health. As the stress reduced,the frequency of migraines gradually decreased over a period of a year. Those who suffer from migraines definitely know how nasty they can get! Imagine being almost free from migraine. And all that just because you changed your attitude.
Do you know that a butterfly cannot fly? But the butterfly is unaware of this,and flies around the world,charming people and adding to the nature's beauty. If this is not being optimistic,I don't know what is.
Life isn't all that complicated as we human beings make it out to be. It is all in the mind. If we are optimistic about life,we are sure to feel the optimism in air too.
I remember a quote I had read when the leader of the army was told that they were surrounded by their enemies from all sides. The leader's reply was simple and left everyone speechless. He was happy that now they can shoot in any direction as they were surrounded by enemies! Who would have thought that in such a dire situation?
Change your thinking today and be optimistic. Life is beautiful,friends.
This post has been inspired by the optimistic website Look Up

Change is life!!

As a teenager,it was difficult to decide one's career path with so many choices around. Honestly,it is like a buffet. You want to try all of them but there is only so much you do! In a time,when most of my peers went on to join the best engineering schools of the country,I took the most difficult decision of my life.
It had an effect on all my relationships,be it whether with my parents or my friends. I was always academically inclined and stood in the top five students of the class. Everyone around me expected me to join one of the premier engineering institutes of the country. After preparing for the JEE extensively for two years,I realised that it is not my calling. I realised I could never be an engineer no matter how much I tried.
Unfortunately,things did not go as I wanted them to and I ended up in an engineering college. Within a few months,I gave up. I could go on no more pretending to like engineering,when I clearly did not.
I have always been close to my father. I knew I had to talk to him and tell him that my happiness lies not in pursuing engineering but literature.
It disturbed him that I had to pursue something against my wishes.  I pulled out of the engineering school and enrolled into one a literature course. That decision changed my life .
In a time,when a child's opinion would hardly matter,my parents broke the rules and heard me out.
Needless to say,my life changed that day. I realised that I had to accept changes and change is the only constant.
. That changes in life helps a person grow. Changes teach us more than what 15 years of education can.  Every living being is constantly changing and working to improve itself. We all strive to be better than what we are. A person has to accept change to grow in life and make sure that he keeps introspecting himself to make himself better.
I remember a story of two axe-cutters. Everyday,they were assigned a fixed number of wooden logs to cut. While the first axe-cutter toiled harder and would always start early in the morning,the other woodcutter would use his optimum energy. The time that the former gave was more than the second woodcutter,yet the results would be a complete reverse. One day,he asked his companion of the secret behind his results. And to his astonishment,the second woodcutter told him that he would just sharpen his axe or alternate it with his second axe. The woodcutter was left in awe. Such a simple solution but so easily ignored. Change is necessary.
Change is life!
It is important to welcome changes easily for the betterment of ourselves and our family.
Just like me, believes that change is good. This post is inspired by